Thursday, March 19, 2009

Endgame

Getting engaged is weird.

The first time I got engaged to....

Wait, I can't call him The Ex anymore. Ok. Gonna try out a few aliases and see which one I like the best.

The first time I got engaged to Sam (so not his name), I was floating along on a cloud with my bejeweled hand in front of me. I was entirely focused on the wedding, as opposed to the marriage. That girl doesn't exist any more.

What surprises me most about our engagement is the big deal that people are making about it. When it was announced in shul, our friends whooped, screamed, yelled, started singing, formed circles, picked us up on chairs, etc. We did not expect this. We have had offers of Shabbos kallahs, sheva brachos, ufrufs, parties, bridal showers etc. We've declined them all. We had all these things in Version 1.0. We are now in our forties. We're a little exhausted by life. We totally look forward to spending our lives together, but we don't see what the big deal is. Really. Honestly, I'm flattered at all the attention, but I just want to return to being Neil's (so not his name) wife. No need for so much fuss.

We are now struggling to pull together a tiny wedding. Apparently we need a chuppah, a minyan including two witnesses who are not related to us or each other, and a seudah (meal) afterwards. We can even use the same ring, as long as I gift it back to Robbie (so not his name) before. Of course, we can't have 10 men at my wedding without also having their wives, so now we are looking at about 20-25 people. Apparently, there are people willing to fly in from out-of-town for this (which I'm finding hard to believe) and there are a few people, mostly cousins, who would be very insulted if they are not there, so it might actually stretch to 30. This is turning into A Production.

The good news is that because we are re-marrying, we can get married during sefirah if we want to, which opens up many more options. So right now we are trying to decide on a venue and really hoping to keep this under $2,000. Originally I had hoped for $500, but that was a pipedream. Still a major improvement over our first wedding, which cost more like $60,000.

Jason (so not his name) is being amazing. It's like marrying a mature, thoughtful, grown up, loving version of my first husband. And I do think it's real, because most times, I can see the effort behind his behavior.

The week before he proposed, I was a basket case of indecision. Was throwing up a lot, a nervous wreck, screwing up at work, crying some, not sleeping at all. Once Danny (so not his name) proposed and I said yes, it was like a huge cloud was lifted from me. It was the strangest feeling.

I was in Walmart the other day, buying Rick (so not his name) some groceries for Shabbos, and passing through the produce section, I felt a little funny. What was that weird feeling? A little fluttering in my stomach, a little adrenalin in my brain, a little heightened sense of the outside world. What was this unfamiliar feeling?

Then I figured it out. It was happiness. Yes, faithful readers, WebGirl is happy. Am I thrilled, ecstatic, over the moon? Nah. I'm too old for that. But I am really happy. And I love my fiancé like nobody's business. I am sure about what we are doing. I am marrying a good man. We know that there will be many, many bumps in the road, but we have our seat belts on and we are committed to making our second chance work. And Jonathan (so not his name) is definitely, squarely, firmly in the marriage this time. And we can't wait. And I'm not throwing up anymore.

And while I am ruminating on my Happy Ending, I want to say something to all of you singles and divorcés out there in blogland. I don't want to become one of those annoying people who get engaged and act like they've discovered America and are relationship and hashgacha pratis experts, blah blah blah, but I want to speak to you. You, my fellow frum singles. Never, ever give up. I don't care if you are in your twenties, forties, or sixties. You guys are heroic. HEROIC. Am I making myself clear? Your battles against depression, malaise, loneliness, social issues, economic struggles etc., are nothing short of bravery. Each of you is my hero. Being single sucks, really and truly sucks. But unless you stop trying, I believe in my heart of hearts that there is a Happy Ending waiting for every one of you. If I can leave you with any message, it would be this: 1) never stop thinking that God cares about you. He doesn't always show it. He's funny that way. 2) never let being alone drag you to the bottom of the abyss. If you do happen to take a little dip in the abyss, that's okay. You will find your way out of the abyss. 3) take responsibility for your life and for your choices, especially the bad ones. 4) social realities aren't really reality.

You know those invitations to Jewish weddings that start with this line: "With gratitude to Hashem, Mr. and Mrs. Whatever cordially invite you to..." I am living that line. You cannot imagine the extent of gratitude I feel towards God for bringing me to this place. I hate to get mushy and frummified on you, but honestly, I tear up thinking about where I was at this time last year.

So this is it. So. What do I do next about this blog? Any thoughts? I'm not going to blog about my marriage, because I think that's just wrong. I don't really want to tell Benjy (so not his name) about this blog, because it was something that I did just for me, and it belongs to a different part of my life. I can keep writing about life in general, but would anyone really want to read about that? Would you? I can also start fresh with another blog about other stuff. Or I can just close up shop. Not sure. Input welcome.

Thanks for sticking with me.

10 comments:

Anonymous said...

I NEVER (except this time) post anonymously.
I left my husband a few years ago but he refused to give me a divorce. To make a very long story short, we are back together again. We are both much more mature and happier and have actually begun to enjoy life (it took a while).
It does happen.
My advice: quit the blog.
If you can't live without it, get a new completely different one and don't blog about your marriage.
Just live it.
Blogging is OK for working things through but there is no substitute for living life.
Mazal Tov!

mistermaggoo said...

I love your blog for so many other reasons, like hearing about someone else who saves coke cans, gets a thrill from spending ten minutes on the internet to get a freebie bowl of cereal in the mail, can't pay shipping on online purchases, is addicted to ebates, etc. And your blog has given me and my friends in the same rut you were in... HOPE! So thanks for that, and keep on writing. Great to "see" you so in happy and so in love.

SuperRaizy said...

It is wonderful to hear how happy you are. Thank you so much for sharing your good news with us. I was very skeptical while you were contemplating getting back together with Daniel (I know, so not his real name), but I can see that you have really worked this out. I wish you and Seth (also not his real name) tons of happiness always.
As for the blog, well, that's up to you, but if you keep writing, we'll keep reading!

frum single female said...

i think that you could continue this blog without talking about your future marriage. though being single has been a large part of this blog it wasnt the only part. you have alot of interesting takes on life that ive enjoyed reading about.

mk said...

I'm so very happy for you. I hope you & whats-his-name have a long, wonderful life together.
I'd like to leave you a wedding gift - the secret to a happy marriage.
Each morning when I put on my talis, I say a very short tephila for shalom biayes. (Nothing fancy, I made it up.) I'm not sure if I'm worthy of Hashem answering my prayers, but at the very least it reminds me that I love my wife and my marriage is worth working for. I think this "segula" must have some merit, I've been doing it for 27 years.
As for this blog, just play it by ear. If it feels right, do it. ;-)

All the very best.

A said...

frum single female stole my thoughts word for word.

Nice Jewish Guy said...

Very beautiful words. Singles being heroes, though? (Is that what the "S" on my chest stands for?) ;)

Glad for you. I really am. It's an unconventional arc, to remarry someone you divorced, for sure, but I've heard it happen before; and life is really just funny like that, unscripted. So I am happy and I wish you many years of true happiness and fulfillment, and yes, kids. You deserve it all.

As far as the blog, I'd hate to see it go fallow (kinda like my other one?)... I know, I haven't been blogging much lately. But I'd be happy to switch roles with you here-- after all, I am one of the blog authors-- and take over the con, and you can do a guest post every now and then. I kinda like the name of the blog. I'd be honored if I could do that.

But don't disappear... you shouldn't blog about your marriage (not the intimate details anyway, of course), but you should continue your posts about all the other things you post about. Maybe even Paul (I know, so not his name) could post sometimes.

AJ said...

You say " Was throwing up a lot, a nervous wreck, screwing up at work.." Work! Webgirl, you got a job and didn't tell us! :-) I would love to hear if your job's going well. Mazal Tov once again, and I hope the next few months and the wedding planning go really well. And I hope you continue the blog. Remember, we've still got about 10 weeks left of 24. You can blog about that.

Marni said...

Again, mazel tov on your engagement. I completely understand if you decide to stop blogging, but for purely selfish reasons, I really hope you don't. Your writing is really refreshing, and just gosh darn good. Seriously. You have a gift with words and I, and I think many of your readers, would feel the loss if you stopped blogging. Don't write about your marriage if it makes you uncomfortable, but your reflections on life, politics, and coupons are well worth the read.

Ayelet Survivor said...

Thanks for posting this. It's hard to keep hope alive.