Friday, August 22, 2008

I like a guy. I like a guy.

At least I think I do.

It's one of these email/phone things where we haven't met each other yet, so of course, everything will go to hell immediately when/if we ever do meet, if I don't blow it before then. I'm sure I'll manage to though, because I suck so badly at relationships. This was also one of those deals where I had no intention of liking him because my heart has definitely been in the off position of late, but damn it all, I like him.

Who knows.

But so far, he's nice, funny, charming and smart. He makes me laugh without trying too hard. He's down to earth. He's passionate about some things. He's off-base for me frumkeit-wise and though I swore to myself up and down and sideways that I'd never go down that road again, here I am, liking a guy like that. I like a guy. And he's almost certainly not for me.

Again, who knows.

But I do like him. It's weird to have that nervous fast-heartbeat thing going on. I sort of forgot what that felt like. But we have what to talk about. Our conversations are easy. Mostly. And I actually want him to call me. I look forward to talking to him. And I'm not fake when I talk to him. Oh lordy lord lord. I'm such a chick. A stupid chick.

Oh, and I am scared out of my mind. By the way. It probably won't happen and I'm sure that I will mess everything up because, well, I always do, but I am so scared that I even like a guy after everything that's happened, that I could almost cry. Seriously. Yes, I am that much of a train wreck. But my number one emotion besides the liking thing is terror. Before I have even met him, I've married him and divorced him in my silly little brain. Mostly divorced him. I'm not sure if he likes me back, but I know for sure that if we ever go out and I continue to like him, he will hurt me and I will hurt him. And if he ever tells me that he likes me back, I'm sure he will be lying.

Here is one thing that I think is good about him; I don't think he will put up with much of my crap or suffer all my insecurities. He's not going to rescue me. He's not the White Knight on a Steed type. No sirree bob. Which is good because I think I've been waiting for a White Knight on a Steed, and it's time to retire that idea. Long overdue.

I keep telling myself not to think about this because it has like a 1% chance of working out.

But I like him. In that fluttery nauseous way. The last guy that I liked was the psychopath that I met on Frumster right after my divorce. That turned out very well, I must say. And before that, it was The Ex. So my record is excellent. Flawlessly awful.

My head is telling me: this is good! Like a guy! My heart is telling me: liking a guy only leads to bad things. Don't like a guy.

Or maybe I have that head-heart thing backwards.

Anyway, I like a guy. I think.


abandoning eden said...

oh i know that feeling well. Liking a guy after a long time of not liking anyone, after being burned by a previous relationship. And then knowing he may be inappropriate for you, but liking him anyways...and trying not to like him, but really freakin liking him. :)

welcome to the beginning of my relationship with B. Although I'm assuming this guy is jewish so you won't have hte same problems I do. :)

Anonymous said...

just enjoy each moment. liking someone doesnt mean you have to marry him, or that you wont. enjoy the ride.

and the white knight - i think most of us women have that fantasy. i know i do.

good luck!