Thursday, March 13, 2008

The Alternative

I've been drowning in pep talks recently.

My very well-meaning friends are still calling me trying to set me up. And I guess I should keep going out. I guess.

My Frumster profile has expired. I'm not off Frumster completely yet, but I'm no longer "Premium," which basically renders the profile as a useless placeholder until I renew. I toyed with the idea of re-upping when I got an offer to renew at a discounted rate in my email this week, but I didn't see the point. I have 6 messages sitting in my inbox that I cannot read until I pay up. I don't care.

My Saw You at Sinai membership is also off the "Gold" status. I have 4 shadchanim waiting to throw some more inappropriate matches at me once I upgrade. I really don't care.

My friend Sarit called me yesterday to let me know about some event for "singles who are not 25" in Monsey this weekend. I'm not going.

Sarit is probably older than me, but she is prettier and more confident: "why aren't you going?"

"I can't do this anymore."

"You have to keep putting yourself out there, WG! Your husband is not going to fall out of your ceiling on to your lap."

"I really can't. I can't."

There was a Shabbaton in Long Island this past weekend for 30 plus singles. This same Shabbaton resulted in a couple meeting and getting married last year. I didn't go, but a close friend did, and she came home more-or-less demoralized. She almost wept. Ok, she did cry. I had some reservations about going/not going, but after hearing the post-mortem from her and some other friends, I don't regret my decision. Mind you, it doesn't make a difference whether or not a Shabbaton draws great guys or not; it almost has no effect on whether or not I meet someone. I could meet my own version of a fabulous guy in a pool of very not-so-great guys. But I just don't do well in the meat-market situation. I do better one-on-one. But these days,

I am doing better one-on-none.

So back to Sarit.

We had an interesting discussion about the various tortures we had put ourselves through in trying to get re-married this past year (Sarit is also divorced without kids), and offered each other a little mutual pity and comfort. We ended the conversation with Sarit still riding the pep-talk:

"WebGirl, if you stop going out and you stop trying, what is the alternative? What? Are you just going to be alone and not have kids and that's it?"

Yeah. I think it is. I haven't really fully integrated that yet and definitely haven't accepted what that means, but I've started to force myself to think along those lines. I'm so tired of feeling sorry for myself. What kind of meaningful life can I make for myself if I never get what I want? What does God want from me if He doesn't want me to have a family (I am trying to accept that He doesn't)? And of course, I keep asking asking myself if I can really make that jump, that paradigm shift to rethinking my entire life, that horrible, horrible leap to giving up and then reinventing myself, and I'm just not sure I can. But right now, that is the only alternative.


Marni said...


Sometimes I find that if I prepare myself mentally for the worst possible situation, that it makes things a bit easier to deal with.

Let's say you never actually have biological children, but meet a really great divorced dad in 3-4 year with two kids. Let's say you meet them and they actually turn out to be kind of nice and normal.
Would marrying such an awesome guy with two nice kids and maybe even adopting a youngin' be such a horrible thing?

Yeah so the kid didn't spring from your womb. So what? I would still consider someone in that situation blessed.

Furthermore, dating shouldn't be something you dread. Maybe you should take like a 3 month break from the internet/Shabbaton dating scene and just try to enjoy the freedom you have. I find that I cannot be on J-date more than 1 month a year before the nausea in the gut feeling sets in.

Things have a way of working out they way they are supposed/meant to. But you want to be in a positive place mentally and emotionally so that you can recognize an opportunity when it arises. Good luck!


WebGirl said...

"Would marrying such an awesome guy with two nice kids and maybe even adopting a youngin' be such a horrible thing?"

Would it be such a horrible thing? No. But it's not at all what I want. I want my own kids. I don't want to adopt. I have lots of nieces and nephs on whom to lavish love. That's all besides the point. Having children is an incredible experience. I want that.

I have taken lots and lots of breaks. And now it is time for me to break.

Thanks for good wishes though. In spite of my negativity, I do appreciate it.


YM said...

You need to read the Artscroll book Lieutenent Birnbaum and see what he did after he was divorced from his first wife and had not yet met his second.

WebGirl said...


As I'm unlikely to buy Lieutenant Birnbaum, can you tell me what it was that he did?