Sunday, January 27, 2008

How to Ruin a Sunday

I was having a really good Sunday. I got up early and ran on the t-mill for half an hour. I went through one box of crap in the basement and gleefully threw out half of the contents. My Mom has called only four times. I am nearly finished with Freakonomics, which is an excellent book and will probably yield at least one blog post this week. I made plans to get dinner and see "Juno" later tonight with an old girlfriend. Costco called and my replacement tires are finally in. Keifer Sutherland/Jack Bauer is out of jail. I have no overdue library books. I am only a week and half behind on my work. I made myself an enormous salad with romaine, red pepper, plum tomatoes, avocado, red onions, almonds, sliced half-sour pickles and fresh tuna, with Ken's Lite Italian, a little balsamic vinegar and some basil. I'm in salad heaven. This is A Creation. I am about to dig in when the phone rings.

It's my old friend, Meirav. Meirav got married a few months before I did. We fought in the singles trenches together, and since my divorce, she is one of my few friends who has been killing herself to set me up. She has tried countless times, and I've gone out on mediocre dates with four guys that she suggested. Mind you, "mediocre" means they are in the parsha, were nice looking, employed, sane, frum and personable. There was just no fire. But that's okay. Right now, considering what some of my other girlfriends are going through in their dating lives, mediocre is the new good. I trust Meirav to have my interests at heart.

So she's got three new suggestions for me:

1) a 44 year old divorced Chabad guy from Australia who lives here now, one kid.
2) a 42 year old divorced Persian guy, no kids.
3) a 40 year old never-been-married unemployed Brooklyn guy.

So, no, no and no.

I explain. I have absolutely nothing against non-American-born guys. I love non-American born people and will be happy to count them among my friends. But I will not date them. This is not discriminatory; I simply don't want to waste their time and mine. I am deeply, deeply entrenched in American culture, language and values. I have dated Brits, Israelis, Persians, and Australians when I was single and it has never worked. Tziporah Heller advises her students to look for spouses who are more similar to them rather than go with the "opposites attract" credo. She says "it's enough that you are female and he is male." She recognizes that of course people who are very different can have wonderful marriages, but the more dissimilar you are, the harder you have to work to make it good. Based on the reasons my own marriage went bad, I have to agree with this.

I love Chabbad (the non-meshiachy part of it), am very Chabbad-friendly, but no way in hell am I going to live a Chabbad lifestyle. FOR-GET it.

I feel for unemployed guys. I feel for unemployed anyone. I might be unemployed very soon too. But unless it's just a glitch of a few months, and there is a plan in the works, I can't deal with having a chronically unemployed spouse (which sounded like this was #3's story). I am absolutely willing to co-struggle in the parnassah game and I am no golddigger, but really, if a guy doesn't have the job thing mostly figured out by age 40, what does that say to me?

Meirav didn't like anything I had to say. She is a little mad at me now and thinks I am being way too picky "for my age and situation." Suddenly I'm not so into my yummy salad anymore. She is sort of sniffy when she hangs up, and I'm feeling defensive, self-doubting and depressed.

A perfect Sunday, ruined. I do not heart dating at all.


frum single female said...

i hear you loud and clear webgirl. meirav doesnt understand that just because you would like to get married again it doesnt mean ANYONE will have to do.

Anonymous said...

stay away from the extras that the shadchanim are trying to push on you ! dont settle for less !