Sunday, October 7, 2007

Sweet Love.

I've been in love a few times in my life. "Love," whatever the hell that is. I think.

I did love my ex-husband when I married him. For the purpose of this little posting, I won't differentiate between "love" and "in love." I won't even differentiate between, say spousal love and parental love. Obviously they are qualitatively different (in normal people) and sexual expression in romantic love makes them very different, but quantitatively, we are still speaking of very deep, abiding feelings, of the enormous drive to take care of someone, make that person happy, fill their needs, sacrifice for them. And then the drive to change yourself, be better for them, be worthy of their love, get and give and get and give forever. Love is so friggin powerful.

So, yes, I've been in love a few times. My ex-husband, a bunch o' boyfriends, a college professor (never told him), etc. But I will differentiate between being in love with these dudes and, well the one time I was

really, nauseous, crazily, wildly, insanely, unaccountably, irrationally in love. Sweet, sweet love. Gorgeous, stark beautiful love.

It was in 1994. I remember that, because it was the year before Windows 95 came out. He was 6 years younger than I was. Yeah, he was cute, but not gorgeous. He was funny but not hilarious. He was smart, but not brilliant. But he was everything. I don't know what it was like lifting the lid on a box and boom, there was my soulmate. We were in heat. And I don't just mean in a physical sense. I mean in the chemical sense. The geshtalt was just beautiful. I felt brighter, lighter, beautiful, brilliant, powerful, all the time. You know what? I was. I had men hitting on me like nobody's business that year, and I ain't no beauty queen. But love gives you confidence and joy and it makes you glow and kindle. That year, I was a beauty queen. Talk about fire. I burned. We both did. My God. I don't know how I breathed in 1994. I don't know how my heart managed to remain in my chest.

It went on for the better part of a year. I won't go into any details on why it never went anywhere or why we ended up married to different people. It was the right decision. We kept in touch plutonically and sporadically after the big breakup wrenched my heart out. I survived that, btw, and I healed, pretty quickly, actually.

I am very grateful that God granted me this experience. I don't know if everyone has had access to this level of intensity. Even though our relationship didn't work out, and ultimately, the most important relationship of my life, my marriage, was a failure, I am still so grateful for this man's love. I believe I am a better person for it. Sometimes I'll hear a song or I'll remember a little detail, and it will bring me back to a time in my life that I treasure.

Thanks for the love, B., wherever you are. We will build our lives with other people, but you

you were The One.

And when all of this is over
Should I lose you in the smoke
I want you to know
you were the one

And may my love travel with you everywhere
Yeah may my love travel with you always.

(Tom Petty
Have Love, Will Travel)

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