Monday, October 22, 2007

The Next Mr. WebGirl is:

Who am I looking for?

It is coming up on nearly a year since my divorce. I have dissected my divorce and my marriage ad nauseum. I was out of love with my ex long before the ink was dry on my get. I have been making excuse after excuse...I need to lose weight; I need to recoup financially; I need to get used to being with other men; I need to get used to being single; I need I need I need....everything and anything but face the fact that I am no closer to where I need to be to find the next Mr. WebGirl. I work 12 hours a day with my Ipod strapped on so that I don't have to think and then when I feel lonely, I go out with girlfriends or safe guys. I have been filling my whole year up with girlfriends and safe guys. When I go on dates, I am a robot. A charming, animated robot. I am frozen solid inside.

"What are you looking for?" My close friends sincerely try to set me up, introduce me to people who might know people etc. etc. My Frumster and SYAS profiles are pathetic and shallow; I routinely reject guys I meet through them, mostly out of terror or pickiness or Idunnowhatanymore. What am I looking for, indeed. He's got to be religious but modern, but not too modern, but not Yeshivish, but he's got to learn, but he's got to work and have his act together, and I prefer someone divorced because he'll understand what I went through, but not a lot of baggage or a lot of children or a wacko ex-wife, and he's got to want to leave NY but understand that I can't leave right now, and he's got to want kids and he has to be smart but not overly analytical and he has to be kind and giving and appreciate me but still have an edge to him and he has to he has to he has's endless and I listen to myself whine and prattle and say the STUPIDEST things ever and I can only come to one conclusion:

I have no freakin idea what the heck I want. I am so scared. How did I get here? OMG.

1 comment:

Nice Jewish Guy said...

All I can say is-- join the club. If getting married (or remarried) were easy, it'd be happening a lot more than it is. Divorce messes you up, as you've said. And even though we all want to get remarried, we also enjoy the new liberation; we're torn. (At least that;s how I often feel.) We're negatively conditioned... like a child that burns his hand touching the stove. There have been a lot of people that we could have married, but none that we wanted to.