Monday, August 20, 2007

Love? Nah.

Had an interesting conversation with a friend tonight. It's not a conversation that I haven't had a million times before, but maybe it's starting to finally make a dent in me because it has stayed with me. My friend Shmuel is frum and divorced, like me, and has been going out with his girlfriend for a few months. So I rib him about getting engaged to her and of course, he sweats bullets. So we start ruminating on the nature of love, soulmates and what the hell this whole relationship thing is all about. Like I said, it's not a conversation that I haven't had before.

When you've been married and divorced, and you know what the interior of a marriage feels like, you feel a weird dichotomy. You want very much to be inside the comfort of a marriage again, but you are afraid of being in the stifling, mediocrity that marriage can sometimes become. You want your marriage to be perpetually passionate, not just physically, but in its entirety. And you are in a real terror of making a mistake. How realistic is this? Probably not very. What's it like to go through life with your bashert, your soulmate? What if you find him and you don't marry him? Does lightning strike only once? I'm not 17 and I know that romantic love is fleeting. So what is passion? When I think about wanting my life to have fire, it's not just that physical fire that I crave, it's that intangible quality that I want so much.

What's it like to go through life with someone who isn't your soumate? Now that scares the hell outta me the most. But when I got married, I was very clear that the man I married wasn't. He was just a good man whom I loved.

I hate navigating these damn waters by myself.

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