Sunday, August 26, 2007

An Accounting of My Spirit


As Rosh HaShana approaches, I get nervous. This year, Rosh HaShana falls two days after 9/11, a very emotional time for New Yorkers (and all Americans, really) anyway. I will be flying on 9/11 this year. Gulp.

I take Rosh HaShana seriously. The whole cheshbon hanefesh thing...literally, the "accounting of the spirit"...shakes me to the core and rocks my world. This year, the year of my divorce, my move back East, my re-entry into singledom, has been one of the toughest years of my internal life. Externally, things have been going great. I am renting a roomy and pretty house in a quiet neighborhood, have a fabulous job that gives me a lot of freedom, creative opportunities and a nice paycheck, I've gotten back on my feet financially, and I'm working on getting my body back to the shape it belongs. I've been quietly and slowly reconnecting to my old friends, and I get to see my family all the time. I've counted my blessings, and they are many.

Internally, not so great. Of course, the ongoing lack of Mr. WebGirl is always going to be a hole in my life, but it's more than that. It's the complete lack of fire in my life. That kick, that heat, that passion. Absent.

Several years before I got married, I was living with my best friend, Vivian, in a dumpy little apartment in Brooklyn. What was interesting, not to mention convenient, was that Vivian and I were also dating best friends. But our boyfriends were also incredibly immature, disloyal, self-centered, and annoying. Ah, how I miss my twenties.

One night, after Vivian and I came home from mutually disappointing dates, instead of breaking out the ice cream and tears, we decided to drive down to Coney Island. We got there, parked and rode The Cyclone. And then we rode it again. And again. Six times that night, until the anger and sadness left our bodies and were replaced by the cheap thrill and exhilaration of riding that rickety old roller coaster, which never disappoints. Mind you, we still had crummy boyfriends and lives, but it just didn't matter as much. That momentary leap that my heart gives when I get to the top of the ride, that fire inside of me which is only kindled for a second, burned away the disappointment and left me with the energy to deal with my life.

This is not the greatest example of what I'm looking for in my life. I'm not saying I need roller coasters, but I do need fire. I need some spiritual fire, religious fire, mental fire, emotional fire...I need fire in my life. I need to rekindle my energy because I am so very sad about the direction that things have gone, and how ordinary and lonely my internal life has become.

I need fire.

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