Monday, December 31, 2007

$2,356

So it's the end of the year, and that has me thinking about finances. I'm getting in my final end-of-year charitable donations, I'm selling off my one loser stock for the tax loss, I'm starting a new 2008 personal finance spreadsheet. One of the things I've been tracking this year is my "freebies" count. As I've said before on this blog, I'm one of those wacky people who responds to offers for free things. I only respond to the genuine offers, mind you, not the ones that have you clicking insanely for hours, only to come to a dead end where you have to subscribe to some magazine or service you don't need and wait three months to get your prize. I do the real ones.

I also get sign-up bonuses for credit cards, new bank accounts etc. And of course, I diligently cash in credit card points and frequent-buyer points. As so many of my friends and siblings are nay-sayers ("I don't have time, they never really give you the bonus, I'll forget to close the account, it's not worth it," etc.), I decided to write down each freebie and see how things tally up at the end of the year. This year, the grand total value on my freebies came to, ta-da, $2,356! Yay for me! Here's what it was (mostly) comprised of:


Sign-up bonuses on:

Unfortunately, I will get 1099'd for all of these and have to pay tax on them. But, that should be my biggest problem. To continue:
  • I opened 3 American Express credit cards and cashed in the signup points immediately for gift cards ($250 for the business Amex, $100 for the Starwood Amex, and $50 for The Knot Amex).
  • I got $112 cash from Ebates (you have to be insane not to have an account at Ebates), and in February, I will receive an additional check for $198.
  • JetBlue was running a promo where they sent you a $25 Amex gift card if you paid for a flight with Amex.
  • Inbox Dollars sent me a check for $30 (I wouldn't recommend joining Inbox Dollars...way too much work).
  • I made $550 in gift cards from My Points (which I highly recommend...no work at all).
  • I got $10 from Obopay.
  • A free Ipod Shuffle (worth $79) from Discover.
  • A 1 gig Flash drive from PC Safety Plus.
  • A $20 Lowe's gift card from ShopatHome.
  • A $25 Gift Card from Barnes and Noble for a Mastercard.
  • A $50 bonus from Sharebuilder for opening an account.
  • Cashed in some Wells Fargo cc points for a $10 Amazon card,
  • Cashed in a walloping ton of Chase cc points for a $500 Sharper Image card (which got me my GPS),
  • Got a $35 free long distance card from Phone Hog.
I also got (not counted in my total) a bunch of free and legal mp3 downloads from EMusic, a free audiobook from Audible.com, literally dozens of free samples from Walmart, free coffee from Folgers, free coffeemaker from Gevalia, etc. Free, free, free. La la la.

How did I find all these freebies? Well, I did do some searching, but I also follow fabulous blogs like this one, that essentially do the searching for me. I go through my junk mail diligently, throw out the crap and keep the offers that sound interesting. If they are not going to be too much work, I follow through. Whenever I apply for a freebie, I set alarms in my Google calendar to email me when I should see an offer come through or when I need to close an account. Right now, I am left with only 4 credit cards and three bank accounts, and my credit rating is still fabulous (it takes a very small hit when you open a new cc). The only account I forgot to close was my Emusic account and that cost me $20, but considering the 100+ mp3's that I downloaded, no regrets.

I never try to cheat or open multiple accounts or other slimy things, and I am prepared to pay taxes on my goodies (ah, the price of living in a free capitalist society....I love capitalism, love it, love it). I do admit to spending about 10-15 minutes a day checking up on this stuff, never more than that (quoth the Raven)....I do have some semblance of a life.

So was it worth it? $2,300+ later, I'm gonna say, yeah, it was.


Sunday, December 30, 2007

Tzniusdik t-shirts for a song, and a little capelet thingie

Attention all female frummies: check out this long sleeve ribbed cotton t-shirt at Newport News. You get THREE of these for $15. Use the 20% off coupon (code 566) and you get three for $12. Ok, I know the neckline is a teeny bit scoopy, but hey, $4 a t-shirt! Cotton! Long sleeves! Great colors!

Last time I ordered from NN, I got this little cape thing, (which was $9.60 after the coupon discount) because I thought it was different. It turned out to be even cuter than in the picture, and was a perfect topper for a sorta plain Shabbos knit sweater outfit I had, that was a tiny bit too snug up there. Very elegant and girlie. If you hate wearing what everyone is (as I do), this is perfect, except don't wear it to shul when I do, please.

Learning to Give

One of my earliest and nicest memories was when I was five years old. It was my birthday. Mommy and Daddy sat me down, gave me my Thumbelina doll birthday present (God, how I wanted that Thumbelina doll), and then, they gave me something else. I had been reading a story about a little girl who got an allowance. I too, wanted an allowance. I had been begging M & D for an allowance for a month. How much it would be wasn't important; I just wanted money that I could call my own. Pretty please M & D? So on my birthday, Daddy pulled out his wallet and took out 10 shiny nickels. "Here," he said, "is your first weekly allowance." I was thrilled. All that money, all those shiny coins. Mine. I could go to the drugstore (I vividly remember that drugstore, and I can still taste their green lollipops) with Mom and get a toy. I was so happy. All mine. And then came the crushing blow.

"And how much are you going to give the poor people?" Daddy asked.

The poor people? Nothing, that's how much. Let their Mommies and Daddies give them their allowance. Why should I have to give them anything? These were my nickels! Mine. I told my parents that I didn't want to give the poor people anything.
So Dad took me in his lap and explained that Hashem gave us a mitzvah to give 1/10 of our money ("what does 1/10th mean?") to tzedakah, that if I was going to get ten nickels every week, I should really put one of my nickels in the pushka that was next to the Shabbos candles

"But Hashem isn't giving me an allowance, you and Mommy are! Why do I have to listen to Hashem?"

I responded to his request as the budding capitalist that I was yet to become: I started to cry. Hysterically.


They didn't push it. I got to keep my nickels. And the next week, I got my allowance again, and Dad asked the same question "how much for the poor people?" I guess seeing as how they weren't going to force me to give up my nickel, I didn't cry but I didn't give it up either.
I vaguely remember my M & D explaining more about charity and kindness to me over the next two weeks. Some of these sessions they filled in for me later, when I was an adult and retold this story to The Ex. My Dad said that I was behaving like any five-year-old...all about me.

But by the fourth week, when Daddy gave me my allowance and asked me to give tzedakah, I went over to the pushka and put in a nickel. I remember feeling very proud and very generous. I remember that the following week, my allowance increased to 60 cents! Daddy explained that sometimes, not always, but sometimes, when you are generous, you get back even more. After a little lesson in simple fractions, I happily put a nickel
and a penny in the pushka.

This was my introduction to giving charity. My parents instilled the idea of giving ma'aser in me from the very first time that I grasped the idea of ownership. To this day, I am grateful to my parents for the
chinuch they gave me. From that point on, I always set aside 1/10 of my Chanukah gelt, my summer jobs, and eventually my more serious jobs to give to charity, and my parents couldn't have been prouder of me. They did the same thing with all my siblings. And by the way, my parents were never well-off. My family never owned a house or a car. I'm sure there were times when I was younger that it was a struggle to put food on the table, something I cannot relate to today. But my parents' observance of ma'aser was as scrupulous as their observance of Shabbos and kashrus.

Giving ma'aser is one of the few ways you are allowed to "test" God. I have no source for this, but I remember learning it several times in Yeshiva. And indeed, the years I struggled to fulfill my ma'aser were always followed by periods of personal economic upturn. It's not magic, but it seems to happen.


All religious arguments aside, it is good to give. I remember once when I was doing some fund-raising for an organization in my former community, I was speaking to the Rabbi there, and he said that if every Orthodox family in the community fulfilled even half of their ma'aser, not a single Jewish local organization would need money.


There are times when people can be five-year-olds when it comes to giving charity. Whah! I don't want to give. Why should I give? I am barely getting by as it is. And I earned this money. I will give more when I am really wealthy.

No matter where you are in life, it is good to give. It is good to occasionally set aside your own needs and fulfill other people's needs, even when you don't feel like it. It creates connection and it is good to create connection. It is good to be part of something bigger than yourself. It is good to be committed to giving a particular amount, and then rising to that commitment. It is good to give.

This is the most basic of ideas, yet it is one I need to remind myself of every now and then, when I feel the five-year-old in me coming out.

Saturday, December 29, 2007

Saturday night


"It's Saturday night, and I ain't got nobody..."

I'm on a self-enforced break from blind-dating, Frumstering (though to be honest I gave that up over a month ago), SYAS'ing, etc. None of my friends want to go to the movies. I don't feel like watching television. I don't even have a Blockbuster account in NY....always hated renting movies.

I have a pile, okay, several piles of paper on my desk, waiting to be gone through. I have a laundry basket that is nearly full (and God forbid I should do laundry until the basket is overflowing). I have to give a shiur in two weeks and have not cracked open a sefer. I have friends who are not speaking to me because it's been a month since I returned their phone calls.

So what I am doing? Screwing around on my computer. And blogging. I'm Pathetic. It's official. Congratulations to me.

So my phone rang off the hook today. Probably every two hours. You can't imagine how annoying it is to have this happen over Shabbos. It's been occurring with greater frequency over the last few weeks. All the calls show up as 1-800 something or Out of Area. So I'm scratching my head over this today and then I realize...

Oh rats.

When I moved last year and got a new phone number, I forgot to sign up for the no-call registry. And since I recently changed providers, my number probably got listed on some free-for-all telemarketing list. Idiot, idiot, idiot.

Ok, so for all my fellow absentminded readers who might have moved recently, here are two great links to have:

The Don't Call Me Registry: https://www.donotcall.gov. And now, you can also put your cell phone number on there. God bless the Federal government (not really).

The I Don't Want to Receive Junk Mail List: http://OptOutPrescreen.com. No more "pre-approved" offers from credit cards or insurance agencies. God bless the Consumer Credit Reporting Agencies (not really).

Back to me.

Of course, today being December 29, now I'm starting to think of that special evening that single, unattached people secretly loathe, New Year's Eve. It's not that I really care about New Year's Eve, it's just that: a) when the whole world is out having a good time, it's hard to not be out there with them and b) it's just another reminder that I don't have anyone.

When I was single, my friends used to get together and have informal parties. We'd hang out, play social games like pictionary, etc., count down to the new year, and just have a laid-back nice time. When I was married, The Ex and I would usually go out, watch the fireworks or go to the symphony or a show. The year that I was in aveilus, we just hung out in front of the fireplace doing nothing special, which was also nice. The last year or two that we were married, we just went to sleep. It was always nice when New Year's Eve came out on a Friday night, because that gave us the excuse not to do anything because of Shabbos.

So this year, here are my options: 1) go to the huge bash that all my single and divorced friends are going to. 2) hang out in the city with a few platonic male friends. 3) do nothing.

Option 1 is off the list. When I go to singles parties like that, I feel even more lonely. Even when I meet someone there. I don't know why...they just make me feel very hollow and depressed.

Option 2 is a maybe. Truth is, I'm not that excited by the idea. I hate driving to the city, especially on a night like New Year's. I'm just not that into it.

Option 3 is also a maybe. I don't mind being alone. I really don't. But not on New Year's. I'm afraid I'll find myself on my window ledge, which would be super-pathetic, since I live on the ground floor. Seriously, I just want to be out doing something.

What is this weird thing that compels us to go out just to convince ourselves that things really aren't so bad, that we really aren't that alone?

Sigh.

Okay, maybe I will do laundry tonight. And finish that novel I started last night.

Monday, December 24, 2007

Enough enough enough


I have heard many, many times that the definition of insanity is to keep trying the same thing over and over and expect different results. Is that insanity or just stupidity? Or is that hope? Or are they all the same things?

Lord knows, I was guilty of this during the course of my marriage. I was ready to leave The Ex before my first anniversary. He begged me to stay, saying we had to try, that we could fix what was wrong, that we owed it to our marriage to work it out. Sucker that I am, I stayed. Five years later, what was wrong then was, well, a bit worse. But boyohboy had we given it the old college try! Marriage counselors, endless discussions, strategies, etc. I kept thinking that if we wanted to save the marriage, we could. And then five years went by. And we couldn't. And for my troubles, I got:

1. A full set of Samsonite in terms of emotional baggage.
2. An almost lost opportunity to have children.
3. I am alone.

As Stephen King says, "the world has moved on," but I am back to where I was years ago. The eligible, frum guys in my age range and religious sphere are now married. My dating pool is full of crocodiles and swamp rats. And frogs, lotsa frogs. Pucker up, Princess.


So you would think that I would smarten up and learn something from my marriage. What should I learn? That just because you try hard at something, doesn't mean it's going to happen. That after trying unsuccessfully for some period of time, you need to give up the ghost and try something else.

As I've said before, I was traveling recently and visited the city that I lived in when I was married. I had dinner with an old acquaintance, Sherry. Sherry is in her late forties, divorced, Conservadox. She's never going to win the Miss America title and she's a tiny bit annoying. She wears very flamboyant clothing and jewelry, and the older she gets, the more flamboyant her style and personality become. (I'm a teensy bit terrified of eventually becoming Sherry. There but for the grace of God go I.) She told me that she has given up on dating "the kosher way." She joined a secular dating service and while she told them that she preferred to date Jews, she was also open to dating non-Jews. This is a huge departure for Sherry. Even though she is not really observant, she knows a great deal about halacha and in the past was always very strict about dating only Jewish men. I reacted with shock and even scolded her. She said "insanity is trying the same thing over and over and expecting the same results. I don't want to be insane anymore."

Now, don't worry, I'm not going to start going out with non-Jewish men. That's not my point. I guess my point is, I don't want to be insane anymore either.

I dropped my SYAS membership a week ago. I have to say, the SYAS matchmakers are diligent. I used to get close to 7 or 8 suggestions a week, and I would go out with 2 or 3 guys from the list. So today, I got emails from both of my SYAS matchmakers saying that they had some ideas for me but that I needed to reactivate my membership.

And I did (can you say "sucker?"). And after seeing the guys that were suggested, I can only conclude that I would have been better off spending the money on a manicure.

What is it about me that keeps hoping? How stupid am I? I have been out on dozens of dates since my divorce, but most of them seem to get rolled into one big hazy scenario: he's sorta decent looking if you make squinty-eyes (I keep thinking that I'll just drink a lot of wine on my wedding night), he usually does something uncouth, like hold his fork like a garden tool or scratch himself, but I dismiss that, and we make pleasant conversation, which usually includes some mind-numbing Jewish geography and of course, the mandatory interrogation. I find my eyes going blink-blink-blink at some point and I start thinking about which shoes I'm going to wear tomorrow or if I am getting a good yield on my savings account. I go into auto-pilot, which is a handy-dandy thing to go into. He drops me off. I almost always get a second date from the guy. After all, it's pleasant, I'm not Quasimodo, I didn't wear a tube top on the date or pick my nose. It's pleasant. La la la la la. How are you, WebGirl? Bee-Aitch, I'm fine, I am just so amazingly fine. I Heart Dating!

Again, I ask, am I stupid? Am I optimistic? Am I a complete friggin idiot? Why do I keep doing this? Why do I keep trying the same thing over and over and expect different results? Why do I think that this will get me married with a family? How many damn frogs do I have to kiss before I acknowledge that there is no such thing as magic. I have an extraordinarily high IQ. And yet, I keep repeating the same asinine things, over and over again. Maybe I'm an idiot-savante. Maybe I really am insane.

I think it's time to explore some alternatives. I don't want to be insane anymore. But what alternatives are there?

Sunday, December 23, 2007

Can't

Ok, I have kinda had it.

I know I said this before and I know I meant this before. But I need love. I need real, true, nauseous-all-the-time, doing-stupid-things-for-no-freakin-reason love. I cannot go out on another one of these stupid dates. I can't do this anymore. Even my marriage was better than this. If I can't have fire, then I'll just stop dating and join the Sisterhood in my shul, and get old and dry up like a leaf and chop my hair off and wear a lot of fake jewelry and flat shoes.

Can't. I can't anymore. Won't.

Friday, December 21, 2007

I've Discovered the Secret to Weight Loss

(drum roll....)

And the secret to weight loss is......

1. Eat less
2. Exercise more

Are you as astounded as I am? I'm going to make a million. Yes.

When I first started this blog a few months ago, one of the topics I wanted to write about was my body, how I screwed it up, and the steps I was taking to fix it.

I was a scrawny kid. Once puberty hit though, I started to "fill out." My entire adult life, I have always had between five and ten pounds to lose. Weight loss came very easy to me in my twenties. When I was in college, I put on the "freshman ten," followed by the "sophomore five" and then the "junior eight." I was a cow by the time I graduated. I quickly dropped the weight and then some, simply by eating salads, skipping dinner and jumping around my living room in front of a Jane Fonda tape. I was slim through my twenties and it was easy. I biked every week, rollerbladed, and generally ran around like a maniac. I was rarely home and I wasn't really all that interested in food. I liked looking cute in clothes.

My early thirties were less than kind to me in the weight department. I definitely started carrying too much around my core and was always struggling with 5-10 lbs. at any given time. I was still passably "average," though no longer slim, and by the time I got to my wedding, I was an easy 10-15 lbs. overweight. It didn't really affect me socially though. I was one of those curvy girls who could get away with it.

The aggravation of my "shana rishona" made me drop the weight out of sheer misery. I stopped eating because I lost my appetite for food, along with my appetite for many other things. I wasn't healthy. I was constantly tired, ate a lot of crap, stopped exercising completely. Even my skin was sort of blah. And then, as the misery accelerated, the weight started climbing on like nobody's business. I became a balloon. By the end of my five year marriage, I had put on close to 45 lbs. It was a nightmare. I was starting over, and I had no body. I was enormous.

The first few months of being on my own again had me dropping about 15 lbs. without trying. Just the fact that I could eat chick-food again and not have to cook for my ex-husband was a relief. I forced myself to get on the treadmill, though one of the ironic realities of weight loss is that when you are heavier, it is much harder to exercise.

I eventually hired a trainer, and she helps quite a bit in terms of strength building and endurance. The days that I don't work out with her, I'm on the t-mill. I'm much more conscious of what I put in my mouth and when I eat. I occasionally still feel myself reaching for the food when I'm lonely, bored or anxious, but now I catch it, and if I can't push the urge away, I'll eat a tiny bit and go on the t-mill for ten minutes instead. I hate exercising, but sometimes, I get into this space where my legs and arms are pumping away, and I don't really even feel them. My eyes are closed, the music from my Ipod is steady, and my body is on autopilot. I'm almost dreaming. I like being in that space. It's incredibly relaxing. I like the tired feeling afterwards, the release of energy. It has replaced my horrible habit of sticking food in my mouth when I need to feel something.

I recently had to do some traveling for work and I was gone for a few weeks. I was very, very busy during this time, both socially and work-wise. I ate when I was hungry, and didn't think about food too much...my days were so busy that I would just fall into bed at night. When I returned home to NY, I discovered that I lost another ten pounds without trying or thinking about it. So I am going to add another line to my weight-loss plan:

3. Keep busy.

Right now, I have about another 15 lbs. to get to a point where I would feel good and slim and comfortable about myself again. It is definitely not easy, but I feel like I am on the right track. I really don't want to diet anymore...I want to get to a place where I am just not focused on food anymore, where it becomes something I need to keep going, something that I enjoy, but not something I need to feel better. I want to spend the rest of my life in a body that I like. I think a lot of other things will fall into place when I am happier with the way I look. When I was fatter, men stopped looking at me, stopped flirting with me, stopped interacting with me as a woman. Now that some of the weight has come off, some of that has returned, and I am starting to feel like myself again. I like men. I like being girly and feminine.

I think that part of the divorce process is just making the journey back to yourself, whomever that self has now become. It sounds like a platitude. It's not. You have to figure out a whole bunch of stuff that you thought you already knew. Like how to eat. How to feel about your body. How to care about the way you look. How to change. Permanently. Uch, change is hard.

Wednesday, December 19, 2007

Joe



God, I love coffee.

Today was a fast day, 10th of Tevet. This is one of the only minor Jewish fast days that you have to remember on its own. Fast of Esther...day before Purim. Tzom Gedaliah, day after Rosh Hashana. 17th of Tammuz and 9th of Av....bookends on the Three Weeks.

But 10th of Tevet is sort of on its own. And I blew it. I completely forgot about it. This is not the first time that this has happened, so I already knew what the halachic remedy was. I fasted from the moment I remembered and I also need to "make up the fast" on some other day during the year.

But since my fast started at about 9:00am, after one cup of coffee and some yogurt, I thought it would be easy.

It wasn't.

I dreamt of coffee all day. Fantasized about coffee. Thought about coffee. Ghost-smelled coffee. I was hyper and crazy all day long. Jumping out of my skin. So this is what it's like to be an addict.

I broke my fast at 5:17. I'm on my 3rd cup now. It's 5:22.

God, I do love coffee. I feel so Zen right now. I just want to climb right into the cup.

Tuesday, December 18, 2007

Ten Fun, Purty, Flirty, A Teeny-Tiny-Bit-Slutty Things I Would Love to Wear if I Weren't Frum (Dammit)

  1. This.
  2. This.
  3. This.
  4. This.
  5. This.
  6. This.
  7. This.
  8. This.
  9. This.
  10. This.
Sigh. Well, it helps that I'm not thin enough to wear these anyway.

Okay, ladies, if you are an FFB (Frum Female Blogger), consider yourself tagged. Remember, these are things you would wear in public, so lingerie doesn't count.

Thursday, December 13, 2007

For My Friend, S., Shoveling Snow in Denver

You know you're from Colorado if:

  • You'll eat ice cream in the winter. Outdoors.
  • When the weather report says it's going to be 55 degrees, you shave your legs and wear a short skirt.
  • It snows 5 inches and you don't expect school or work to be canceled.
  • You'll wear flip-flops every day of the year, regardless of temperature.
  • 'Humid' is over 15%.
  • Your sense of direction is: toward the mountains and away from the mountains.
  • You say 'the interstate' and everybody knows which one.
  • You think that May is a totally normal month for a blizzard.
  • You grew up planning your Purim costumes around your coat.
  • You know what the Continental Divide is.
  • You always know the elevation of where you are.
  • You wake up to a beautiful 80 degree day and you wonder if it's going to snow tomorrow.
  • You don't care that some company renamed it, the Broncos still play at Mile High.
  • You never heard of Dunkin Donuts.
  • Every movie theater has military and student discounts.
  • You actually know that South Park is a real place and have driven through it.
  • You know what a 'trust-fund hippy' is, and you know its natural habitat is Boulder.
  • You don't have any other kind of herbal tea except Celestial Seasonings.
  • You know you're talking to a fellow Coloradoan when they call it Elitches, not Six Flags.
  • A fox on your front porch doesn't phase you.
  • You don't know how to parallel-park and have no need to learn.
  • You warn your out-of-town Pesach guests to bring kosher food with them when they fly in, in case the airport closes for a snowstorm and they get stuck.
  • Your two favorite teams are the Broncos and whomever is beating the crap out of the Raiders.
  • When people back East tell you they have mountains in their state too, you just giggle.
  • You go anywhere else on the planet and the air feels 'sticky' and you notice the sky is no longer blue.1

Patterns in Time


Last night I was catching up on my "regular" blogs (I've been traveling) and found this neat posting on LNM. (Parenthetically, Lubab No More is blog that I find both enjoyable and difficult to read. It is very well written, but the author's descent into atheism and disconnection to Judaism is heartbreaking to me. I tend to avoid atheist blogs because as skeptical as I might get, there is no part of my mind or heart that can be wrapped around atheism. But that's just me.) Anyway, I liked this posting because I consider Patterns in Time: Chanukah to be one of the best kept secrets of my Jewish library. This book is to my seforim what Godel, Escher and Bach is to my philosophy and math books. In a Jewish academic world drowning in Artscroll, Rabbi Matis Weinberg emerges as a brilliant voice that disects and reassembles Jewish history in an unconventional way that makes sense and is still very much a Torah infused viewpoint. There is a section on the Jewish view of time that completely blows my mind every time I re-read it. This is a hard book; I confess that I've never actually read the whole thing consecutively, though I try. Rabbi Weinberg's intellect is wonderful. This is the kind of book that I wish I could write. I read Rabbi Weinberg's Frameworks series every Shabbat.

So what do I do with the accusation that has been thrown at Rabbi Weinberg for molesting his male students? Nothing...I struggle with it. I don't know what to believe. I have a friend who was Rabbi Weinberg's assistant in yeshivah, who tells me that the accusations are bogus and drummed up. On the other hand, who knows? Truth is, we won't ever know. If Rabbi Weinberg did what they say he did, I hope he gets what is coming to him. If he didn't, I hope his false accusers get what's coming to them. I don't think anyone can just believe out of hand any accusations leveled at people without some sort of proof. I keep thinking back to the daycare scandals of the nineties where kids were "encouraged" to remember sexual and physical abuse in certain daycare facilities. People's lives were ruined on the basis of this testimony, much of which was recanted later on.

I don't defend Rabbi Weinberg because he is a Rabbi and because I enjoy his writing. I don't give a damn where or who you are in life; if you abuse kids, you should rot in hell. Period. But given how serious this crime is, it has to be solidly provable.

Anyway, get the book. It's really, really good.

Lost and Tired

Well, I've been reading NJG's blog about the drama that's been happening in his world. I really feel quite vicariously crummy about what he's going through. Why do friends, girlfriends, boyfriends, etc. treat each other so shabbily? We learn all this stuff in school and camp about midos, we do the Shabbos shiurim on lashon hara, we go to Amen Groups, we listen to the Rabbi's drashes, and yet our dating and social ethics come straight out of an episode of Friends or (God help us) Will and Grace. We are so stupid.

I'm tired of dating. I'm tired of socializing. I'm exhausted. The games I play, the lies I tell to spare people's feelings, the careful way I need to act, the rules, the rules, the rules. I had hoped that dating would create connection for me and help me to start feeling things again; my divorce threw more than a few internal switches to the off postion. Instead, I feel even more detached and even less capable of connecting. I'm shrinking into myself.

I need a vacation from all of this. I think I'm going to take a breather.

Wednesday, December 12, 2007

Sunday, December 2, 2007

Amen

Am I the only frum person who finds the idea of an Amen Group repellent?

Let me first explain a few things. I'm not really a religious skeptic. I strongly believe in the power of tefillah/prayer. If you are going to focus on improving one area of your life, pick tefillah. Tefillah is empowering. It creates connection to God, strengthens belief, helps relieve some of the pain that we all go through. I am a big believer in women davening every single solitary day. I don't buy this whole "I don't have time" excuse...if you have time to go to the bathroom, you have time to say one measly Shmonah Esrai. No one is that busy, and one Amidah is really the bare minimum of obligation for women. If we want to be treated like equal partners in religious observance, it's time we grew up and started acting the part.

My approach to tefillah, though, is not a "cause and effect" thing. Tefillah is not magic. It's a complicated service. If I daven today, it doesn't mean that crummy things won't happen to me today. There is no direct cause and effect with tefillah and it is childish (not to mention incredibly simplistic) to think that way.

So I watched this Amen video from the Chofetz Chaim Foundation. Who is this video geared for, people who just got off the frumkeit boat? This Rebbitzin on the video mentions the sources in the Talmud that refer to the "power" of saying Amen to a bracha (what about the power of just plain old tefillah!?!. No Talmudic sources for that?) She attributes magical properties to the word Amen. She winds up her shiur telling this story: a woman made a bracha at out loud at home and her husband said Amen with a tremendous amount of kavannah. At that precise moment, her son was in a horrible car accident and emerged without a scratch. Literally at that precise moment. Conclusion: making the bracha and saying Amen out loud with kavannah saved her son's life.

COME ON! Look, I am not in any way belittling the idea that her son not being hurt was not a miracle. It was! It was a terrible car accident and by all counts, he should have been horribly injured or killed. That he wasn't is undoubtedly a nes...he should bentsh gomel, and his parents should daven in tremendous gratitude for this gift that God has given them. The family should redouble their efforts in tefillah and appreciate their lives even more.

But to say that "Amen" saved the son's life? Give me a break! That's not Judaism; that's magic. That's losing sight of the forest for the trees. We can never know what it is in our lives that affects change in the world. (Read my post on Ripples.) Everything we do creates change. How does this woman know that it was that particular bracha and that particular Amen that saved her son's life? Maybe it was her Neilah Shmonah Esrai on Yom Kippur. Maybe it was a little bit of tzedakah she gave reluctantly when things were tight. Maybe it was the time she held herself back from badmouthing someone. Maybe it was a combination of all these things. But "Amen" having this sort of power? What are we, three years old? Do we really need to tell ourselves that every time we say Amen to a bracha, an angel is created? Has our observance become THAT simplistic?

I spoke to someone else at this Amen meeting briefly about my issue with this Amen thing. She said this whole Amen thing is really meant to be inspirational, and to move women who wouldn't ordinarily focus on tefillah to daven with kavannah at least once a month.

But has our religion become so weak-kneed that we need to dumb it down this much for the womenfolk? Have we lost faith in our intellects? Is our emunah level so pathetic that we need to bring magic into the picture in order to inspire and move ourselves to connect to God? Why don't we just focus on doing what we are supposed to be doing in the first place?

Amen to that.

Friday, November 30, 2007

More Money for You

If you are shopping online, check out this page to see what great bargains Google Checkout has to offer this month. Don't buy anything you wouldn't normally buy, but if you are shopping anyway, Google Checkout offers discounts at over a hundred sites, as well as frequent flyer miles and free shipping!

If you haven't signed up for Ebates yet, you are leaving money on the table. I can't emphasize enough what a great site this is. They give you $5 for signing up and money back in CASH (no points, no tricks, no messing around) on every online purchase you make through their website. They simply mail you a check every three months. This year I got back over $100 in ebates.

Thursday, November 29, 2007

What Not to Wear

Ok, boys, I'm only going to say this once.

In your Frumster and SYAS pictures, please do not:

1) post that picture of you on vacation. If I have to look at another guy in a baseball cap, ill-fitting grubby t-shirt (lift a weight once or twice, willya?), and stained jeans, with a 40 lb. camera around his neck and a tote bag, I'm going to heave. You don't look good in that picture, k?

2) post a picture of you with a hand-bag, man purse, shopping bag, fanny pack, etc. Do I really need to explain this?

3) post a picture of you with your kids. Let me make something clear here: women love guys who are paternal, will make good dads, etc. But we like to picture you with
our kids, not your kids. Capeesh? I'm not going to be dating your kids, so why post a picture of them?

4) post your wedding picture. Oh good grief, are you that clueless?


5) post a picture with your arm around another girl. I don't care if it's your platonic bud, your sister, your niece or your co-worker. This is the first impression that we are talking about here. It's just not good.


Do post:

1) that solo picture of you in your suit or tux at your brother's wedding, the one that the professional photog took while your hair was combed. You look good in that picture!


2) a picture with a smile. Chicks love smiles.


3) an action shot as a second pic. Pose on blades, on a boat, bike, climbing, jumping, etc.


Not that my Frumster/SYAS picture is great (it's not) but at least I'm dressed up and smiling. I just had to get this off my chest. For some reason, in the last two weeks my Frumster and SYAS account have been very active, and I just cannot look at another bad picture. What were these guys thinking?

Tuesday, November 27, 2007

Women of the Tent

I had a long, activity-packed holiday weekend and I'm wiped. Lots of family stuff, friend stuff, guy stuff, most of it fun, some of it tiring.

Among some other events this weekend was my cousin's son's Bar Mitzvah. This is a cousin to whom I am very close...she is in many ways like a sister to me, though our lives couldn't be more different. Chana Leah married a Belz chassid and has a large, bustling family. She's works full-time (her husband is wonderful, but definitely parnassah-challenged) and because she has only nine children, her husband's family considers her "the modern one," as they are all into double digits in the children arena. You are getting a clear picture here? So I walked into the stuffy shteibel in Flatbush where the Bar Mitzvah was taking place. Chana Leah greeted me warmly, sincerely, took me aside in the middle of her simcha to quietly discuss a possible shidduch; her kids were jumping all over me, thrusting candy bags into my hands, fighting each other for the chance to hang up my coat, calling each other "stupidhead" and "poopyface," etc. I am happy. My family is nuts, but I love them so much.

Then all of the other female guests arrived....the small ezras nashim (with the always enchanting floor-to-ceiling mechitza) filled with fur coats, lots of very expensive jewelry and designer suits and shoes. I can hold my own in the style department, but I started to feel very small. I realized why. I was the only female there over the age of twenty who was not wearing a sheitel. I felt myself involuntarily shrinking.

I took a seat in the corner next to one of my sisters-in-law and started people watching. Chana Leah's husband's family is enormous, and most of her relatives knew who I was. I realized through a little lip-reading that they were spotting me, identifying me as "the divorced one without kids" and sighing and nodding. I shrunk even more as I concluded that, omg, these people were pitying me.

I was in a room where the sole measure of success was the quantity and quality of children that one produced, and I was a loser. Yes. A big loser.

I went outside to get some air and pushed away a few self-pitying tears. I was so angry at myself.

I lived through the Bar Mitzvah....I think we all have events like this in our lives, where despite everything that we know is true, we are made to feel unreasonably small and pathetic. These events are part of life.

Later that afternoon, I went to a Tziporah Heller shiur. I consider myself a student of Rebbetzin Heller. Tziporah Heller is a teacher and a kiruv professional, and I'm not a ba'alas teshuvah, but I have attended some of her classes in Israel, read all of her books, listen to her shiurim on my Ipod regularly. Let me explain what a Tziporah Heller shiur is like. You don't go to a TH shiur to get the warm fuzzies. Warm fuzzies, platitudes about bitachon, chessed etc. are for all those other kiruv professionals. TH delivers it like it is. She doesn't cringe in the face of difficult questions and doesn't soft-peddle anything. She always speaks without notes and has an encyclopedic grasp of Tanach and an incredible range of knowledge of textual sources. She is not young, but delivers her discourses with the intellectual energy of a twenty-year old. She realizes that the Jewish world is multi-colored and multi-dimensional; she acknowledges all levels, all backgrounds and all flavors of approaching God. She has a great sense of humor and her anecdotes are instructive and funny. I wish I could be one tenth of the teacher that TH is.

The shiur started out with a discussion of the typical heroines of the Tanach, whom Mrs. Heller called the "women of the tent." They are role models for their modesty, their kindness, their motherhood, their wifely support. In addition to this, as in the case of the Matriarchs, they are important to the history of the Jewish people because of the children they raised and their part in founding a nation.

Then Mrs. Heller went on to talk about a Chanukah heroine, Yehudit. Yehudit's story can be found
here. She is an odd heroine of Jewish history. She, like Yael before her, is famous, not for giving birth to a patriarch or king, or for her chessed, but rather for slicing off the head of an evil Greek officer and saving the Jewish people. Is Yehudit a role model? Hmm.

Like Yehudit, there are other great Jewish women, women who, given their druthers, would be "women of the tent." Women who wanted to have great Jewish marriages, raise great Jewish children, give back to klal Yisroel through their volunteerism and teaching and community involvement. Women like me. But God had other ideas for these women. And He sent them down a different path. And they can still be important to the Jewish people, but not in the usual way, not in the way of the women of the tent.

Mind you, at this point, I looked around the room, and based on what I saw and the questions some of the girls asked, I'm guessing that roughly 75% of the women there were women of the tent wannabes. The pain in the room was palpable. I felt it. This was a room full of the "unfortunates," the mizkeynim, the leftovers, the women struggling through shidduchim, divorces, widowhood, infertility, dating, not dating, etc. , and I realized, with a flash of reluctant self-awareness, that I was one of them. TH answered our questions with sensitivity and straightforwardness. She acknowledged that our paths were not going to be easy, not at all. And that there was still hope for the future, but that what was important was the here and now, what we were doing with our lives right this very minute. We had to live in the moment. We had the choice of reacting to our situations with anger (why is this happening to me?) or by rising to the challenge.

She talked about the middah known as kol (as in Hashem beyrach et Avraham bakol), the characteristic of spiritual flexibility (I found this fascinating). Spiritual flexibility means that no matter what life brings your way, you tried to be the best you could be. No matter which situation God places you in, you could be that person and you could rise to the occasion and still attain greatness. Esther was spiritually flexible. So was Jacob. So was Ruth. So was Yehudit. Could I be spiritually flexible? You know, I think I can.

And so, to hell with the women at the Bar Mitzvah. To hell with the fact that I am divorced, alone and childless. This won't be my situation forever, but I am still myself, a Bas Yisroel, a woman with something to contribute to my people. I don't know why God forced me down this painful path, but I am ready to meet the challenge, to learn from it, to grow in spite of it, right now, right here, in this moment.

Online Shopping Deals

On Black Friday, I didn't camp out outside of Best Buy to get an $80 laptop. The last time I stood in line for 6 hours was when I was in college, for tickets to a David Bowie concert. That ship has sailed long ago.

I love shopping online. Maybe it's because I don't like strangers touching me, irritable, semi-retarded cashiers, or wading through poorly marked merchandise. I love the fact that a record of my purchase gets emailed to me (no paper), that I get to anticipate the stuff's arrival, and that even with shipping charges, I tend to do much better than I would in a store, assuming I've done my homework and have a code or coupon or have timed the purchases right. I like the fact that I have access to cool stores outside of my physical geographical area. I love sitting on my butt, getting stuff and saving gobs of money. I'm a chick-nerd.

First and foremost, if you don't join and shop through
Ebates.com, I don't understand you. Even if you shop online one time, it pays. They simply give you money back on every purchase, and they will give you $5 just for signing up (and I will get $5 if you join through this link). Make a purchase before 12/31/7, and you will get $10. Use your rewards points credit card, use discount codes, it doesn't matter; and they have all the major online retailers. This is a no-lose deal, a pure no-brainer....all my friends have signed up and are scratching their heads on why they waited so long. I mean, do you like money?

Ok, now for some other here-and-there deals......
AllPosters.com - 25% off any order paid for with Visa: url is www.allposters.com/25visa
Art.com - 20% off: code 74R20
Avon.com - free shipping with orders $40 or more: code MY40
BlueNile.com - Free overnight shipping; no code. This site has some excellent jewelry priced at the lower end.
Borders.com - 20% off coupon, click here, until 12/5/7.
Chicos.com - $20 off orders of $75 or more, until 12/31/7: code 5941
ColdwaterCreek.com - $25 off orders of $75 or more, until 12/23/7: code PLA9338. Also, 40% off until 12/23/7: code WLP8512 Also $30 off until 12/23/7 on orders of $100 or more: code GIFT30 or WLP8334. Use the code that will maximize your savings.
Danskin.com - 20% off any order until 12/31/7: code click20a
DesignersLinenOutlet.com - 15% off any order until 12/31/7: code shopx7

EBags.com -20% cash back (along with free shipping) if you use your PayPal account on orders over $75, until 12/10/7. Also $25 to spend on a future purchase over $75 with orders over $75, until 12/2/7. also $10 off orders over $50 paid for with Visa through 01/08: url is www.ebags.com/visacard
Fortunoffs-Hewlett.co - 30% off: code SAVINGS until 2/9/8
EddieBauer.com - $15% off & free shipping, until 12/24/7: code RSDEC07
FragranceNet.com - 10% off orders over $35 and free shipping for orders over $60: code CE47
HomeDecorators.com - $20 off orders $200 or more: code 1636518C
HomeDecoratorsOutlet.com - $10 off orders $50 or more: code 8581630
Ice.com (one of my favorites) - 20% off and free shipping on everything: code BCD20-383319 or VSA20 (paid for with Visa)
LampsPlus - $20 off order of $100 plus until 2/29/8 paid for with Visa: code 55VSFB8Z
LLBean.com - Free shipping until 12/21/7.
NeimanMarcus.com - free shipping on orders $150 or more: code NM8 and free shipping any amount (see comment): code WINTER.
NYandCompany.com - $25 off an order of $75 or more or $15 off an order of $50 or more, until 12/19/7: code 1389
Nordstrom.com - Free shipping on order $100 or more until 12/19/07: code HOLIDAY07.
Overstock.com -20% cash back (along with free shipping) if you use your PayPal account on orders over $100, until 12/10/7.
PetSmart.com - $10 off order of $60 plus until 1/31/8 paid for with Visa: code VISA60
PlowandHearth.com - Free shipping: code GAH
ShoeMall.com - 15% off any order until 12/31/8. Free shipping always: code SAVE15
Shoes.com - 15% off regular priced items and 10% off sale items and free shipping, paid for with Visa, until 12/31/7: url www.shoes.com/VISADM07
1800flowers.com - 15% off any order paid for with Visa until 2/29/8: code VF9

Write in if you have any other deals that you'd like to share and I'll happily post them. I obviously take no responsibility on the accuracy of these codes, but if you try one and it doesn't work, please let me know and I'll remove it.

Guys, need a classy, inexpensive Chanukah present for your wife/girlfriend/mom/femalesomebody? This silk and cashmere pashmina is (gulp) $45. That's insane. (Even on Overstock.com, they are $68.) It's cheap, one-size-fits-all, totally elegant. Get the black, dusty mauve or seaside color. If my significant other got this for me, he would get some serious love in return. Sadly, I will have to buy one for myself (sniff).

Happy Stuff Accumulation!

Thursday, November 22, 2007

Happy Thanksgiving

Nice post from my favorite blog. Says it like it is. Thanksgiving does indeed rock.

Happy Turkey Day all. Lots to daven for but lots to be thankful for too.

-WG

Monday, November 19, 2007

Bestest Easiest Pareve Pumpkin Pie in the History of the Universe

1/4 c. sugar
1/4 c. brown sugar
1 t. cinnamon
1/2 t. ginger
1 t. vanilla
1/2 t. cloves (ground)
2 eggs separated
1 15 oz. can Libby's pumpkin
1 8 oz. pkg. Rich's whip
1 pie shell

Blend all the dry ingredients and vanilla (sugars and spices) in a small bowl and set aside.
Pre-bake the pie shell for 5 minutes in a 350 degree oven, just until it starts to dry out. Whip the egg whites on the highest speed until they are stiff and high. In a separate bowl, whip the Rich's Whip until it is thick and stiff and then pour in the egg yolks and continue to mix on medium speed for about 3 minutes. Add the pumpkin and all the dry ingredients and continue to mix for another 3 -5 minutes, until well blended. Fold in the egg whites and mix with a flat spatula. Pour into the pre-baked pie shell and bake at 350 degrees for about 35-40 minutes. Another variation that I used to do for Shabbos is to add a cup of chocolate chips to the mixture for cc pumpkin pie...surprising combination but really good.

The Other Side

Went out with a very, very sweet guy last night, Ben. He reminded me of that Rashi on the description of Yaakov as an "ish tam," someone who is just completely without guile, and doesn't know how to be sneaky. Ben wasn't for me....I need someone who is just a little bit more evil. Anyway, he said something to me that was so sad. He said he found it embarrassing to daven without a talis at his age (he's 37). He really hates it...feels like it singles him out as a freak.

Whenever I go on one of my self-pity binges, I usually wallow in my own stuff...my own shame and sense of failure. I never really consider aloneness from a guy's point of view, and what they have to go through. It was really the first time in a while that I thought about someone else's thorns.

Sunday, November 18, 2007

Sex

B: On a hot summer night, would you offer your throat to the wolf with the red roses?
G: Will he offer me his mouth?
B: Yes.
G: Will he offer me his teeth?
B: Yes.
G: Will he offer me his jaws?
B: Yes.
G: Will he offer me his hunger?
B: Yes.

G: Again, will he offer me his hunger?

B: Yes.

G: And will he starve without me?
B: Yes.

G: And does he love me?
B: Yes.
G: Yes.

B: On a hot summer night would you offer your throat to the wolf with the red roses?

G: Yes.
B: I bet you say that to all the boys.


Meatloaf "You Took the Words Right Out of My Mouth"


The paragraph above is the little introduction that is spoken before Meatloaf cranks out his 1977 hit ballad. It has always been interesting to me that this hot little slice of dialogue is spoken rather than incorporated into the song, which is one of his greats.

This little interchange is sex. It's raw and dark, it's about passion and intense wanting, it's got pleading and romance and sweetness and love and teasing and surrender. It even a little funny at the end, and the best kind of sex (and there are oh so many kinds) always has you smiling and laughing together after it's over.

I've got 600 songs on my Ipod and it takes me days to go through the whole playlist. But when this song comes on, well....

Yes.

Looking for Rachel

What are these voices outside Love's open door
Make us throw off our contentment
And beg for something more?......

....The more I know, the less I understand

All the things I thought I figured out, I had to learn again.

-Don Henley ("The Heart of the Matter")

Went to a women's shiur this Shabbos on the Parsha. When women get together to discuss Torah, it could either go very badly or it could be electric. I have always loved learning with women...if they are even a little knowledgeable, there is a particular energy in the room that is absent with co-ed learning, which is usually more about subliminal socializing than learning. Sometimes though, if one of the participants has an agenda or is either very close-minded or much too open-minded, it could be a bust. But this was a good class, lots of energy, lots of thinking, lots of analysis.

So there we were, talking about Rachel and Leah, and Leah's very sad situation, and how she rose to the occasion. Jacob hated Leah (it actually says snuah in plain Hebrew), mostly because she was not Rachel. There are many textual clues that Jacob saw in Rachel, who was beautiful and younger, his soulmate, his bashert, the woman he would build a nation with, the woman he was willing to sacrifice years of his life for. Leah was someone he was tricked into marrying...he just had no interest in her whatsoever, and he never chose her. But mostly, her biggest problem was, she wasn't Rachel. She wasn't The One.

Leah didn't seem to falter at her hopeless position. She went on to bear child after child, and continued to prove to her husband that she too was part of the vision of the future, even if she wasn't his choice. The Midrash brings some interesting examples of how she slowly removed the layers of his hatred until Jacob recognized that she was indeed his wife and his partner, not more than Rachel, not less than Rachel, but a partner in her own right. It wasn't a quantitative shift...it was a qualitative shift. And in the end, Rachel died young, and Jacob spent his life with Leah, and was eventually buried with her...his partner in eternity.

Many of us hang on to a vision of The Perfect Spouse in our minds. I didn't marry my ideal spouse the first time around. I married a good guy, whom I loved at the time (but was not passionately in love with), who was not right for me on many levels. And so, being on my own again begs the question(s): should I have held out for The Perfect Spouse, or close to it? Is there a soulmate out there waiting for me? Was the mistake of my first marriage a lesson for my second? Do I need to be crazy, madly in love to get married again?

I'm not sure. I've had a lot of blind dates lately, an assortment of first and second dates and not much further than that, and I've asked myself this question over and over again. Who is it that I'm looking for, what is it that I want? Will I hold out (possibly until it's too late) for a fiery "Rachel" kinda-guy or is a "Leah" kinda-guy, who will give me love, a family, a good life, and happiness going to be enough? I know that it would have been enough for me the first time around, but now I have a second chance...do I hold out for The One?

Divorce throws you for a loop. I like what Smoo writes in his profile, that "divorce has been a catalyst in my spiritual evolution." It has certainly been a catalyst in mine. So here I am, trying to find my other half, once again, a little late, but the door is wide open, and I ask myself: what have I learned and how will I do this better next time?

Friday, November 16, 2007

D & B (warning: guys, this post is really for the ladies)

I love Dooney & Bourke pocketbooks. When I was younger, I was addicted to Coach ( oh man, that soft, gorgeous leather...), and I've used this Coach briefcase for nearly fifteen years now, but I got a little less conservative as I got older. D & B bags are stylish and classy, with a little more edge to them than Coach. They are somewhat pricey, but I treat myself to one whenever I can afford it, which is not that often (and that's why it's a treat).

But, OMG, could they have gotten a scarier looking model or an uglier, cheesier looking bag for the front cover of their new catalog? I need to speak to their marketing department. Who the heck did this woman's hair and what were they drinking? And her eye makeup is a little, um, dramatic, don'tcha think? And that ginormous gold bag...what were they thinking?

Thursday, November 15, 2007

Getting My Ducks in a Row

I got the December issue of Money today, which means I'm going to bed very late tonight. Some great articles this month.

A great big splash of cold water came in the form of an article (not yet online) called "The Single Life," about the long-term challenges of handling your finances as a Single (capital ess on purpose). I walked away from the article with these two insights: 1) being Single (whether divorced, widowed or never-married) has an very different set of fiscal challenges from being Married and 2) my ducks are very much NOT in a row and I had better get them there soon.

First, the nasty statistics. In the 1950's, Married couples made up 80% of the country's households. Today, they account for barely 50% and they are steadily losing ground. Why? Skyrocketing divorce rates, people marrying later and people not marrying at all. Scary big picture, huh?

Now, here are some important financial things that are commonly overlooked by Singles:

1) emergency plans and disability insurance. If I lose my job, I don't have a spouse to support me while I look for a new one. So while Marrieds need to sock away 3-6 months of their barebone expenses, singles should probably have a cushion of 6-12 months. Along the same lines of what-if-you-can't-work, if your employer doesn't cover you for disability insurance, you need to buy your own. This can be very pricey if you are self-employed, but it is an important safety net.

2) beneficiaries and bequests. If a Married dies, his/her spouse will probably inherit by default, even if the Married dies without a will. If a single dies without a will, it could be a nightmare. Unless you want your entire estate to eventually go to your parents (and possible stepparents?), write a will. If you are divorced with a kid(s), a will is a must. Make sure you fill out the forms for beneficiaries on retirement and bank accounts (often ignored by childless singles). I am embarrassed to confess that I have no will and most of my accounts still list my ex as a beneficiary. It's pathetic. Other important documents commonly overlooked: Living Will and Power of Attorney if you are incapacitated.

I will add my own caveats to this list. I find that many of my frum, female Single friends tend to be very lax about their finances (having no savings, no money for retirement, no long-term career plans, no safety net, lotsa unnecessary credit card debt) because they believe in their heart of hearts that eventually, they will just have to get married, since the alternative is unthinkable, and when (not if) they get married, their husbands will rescue them and take care of everything. Coupla things about that: what if you don't get married? and then if you do get married, don't you want to come into your marriage with assets, without debt, with some sort of financial contribution? No one wants to marry someone who is a financial mess. Would you? And what if your husband-to-be is in no position to rescue you?

Finally, when I got divorced, I realized that I was miles behind on my retirement savings, because during the course of my marriage, I relied on my husband to contribute the lion's share of our retirement fund. After all, he was the guy. When our fund became my fund and his fund, I found myself twisting in the wind. This year, I am scrambling to catch up, but at least I have a plan. If you find yourself suddenly single, don't ignore the bald spots where your now ex spouse was filling in. Deal with them, even if it is depressing and scary.

Haveil Havalim #140

The Carnival of Jewish Blogs, Haveil Havalim #140, is being hosted at Life in Israel. I didn't submit anything, but he picked up my post about my new old cameo. Interesting what people find interesting.

Wednesday, November 14, 2007

Anonymous Blogging Now Protected Under Free Speech

Interesting ruling.

Truth

I got a Truth-or-Dare email from FrumRocker. Considering what the Dare was (OMG, FrumRocker, you need help), I'm gonna go with Truth:

  • Weirdest Pesach Food Eaten? Chicken shnitzel breaded with pureed potato chips (I was on a non-Gebrokts Pesach trip)
  • Most Fattening Food Eaten Immediately After Working Out? Trader Joe's chocolate covered frozen banana...that was yesterday, btw.
  • Sexiest Article of Clothing Worn in Public in the Last Five Years? I'm a frum girl! Ok, did you read the post about my boots? Actually, in college (more than 5 years ago, but), when I was a little more modern, I wore a really cute off-the-shoulder sweatshirt once to a David Bowie concert, but don't tell my Rav.
  • Worst Song of the Eighties? Easy, anything by Katchagoogoo.
  • Song from the Eighties that You're Embarrassed You Like a Lot? "Hungry Like the Wolf" by Duran Duran. Um, I don't like it that much.
  • Song from a Seventies Sitcom that You're Embarrassed You Like a Lot? Tie between "I Think I Love You" by the Partridge Family and "Welcome Back Kotter" from the series of the same name. I can't believe I'm admitting this.
  • Stupidest Haircut of Your Entire Life? Hands down, the Dorothy Hamill I had when I was 12. Thanks Mom.
  • Ugliest Big Sweater Owned in the Nineties? That's a weird one, but I actually do remember this cotton white polka dotted gesheft that looked like a Twister board. Definitely in the what-was-I-thinking category.
Thanks for the giggle, FrumRocker...these were not run-of-the-mill, I think. I won't tag anyone because last meme, everyone kvetched, but you know who you are. ;)

The Husband Store

Old joke, still funny, on Bangitout.

Tuesday, November 13, 2007

4 Bahginz

  • BOGO at Loehmann's and you know that I'll be there.
  • Free, legit Peter Himmelman album download (you can listen to it on the Ipod that you get from the gemach).
  • Free deodorant (it's not a hint, I promise, but why not?); no s&h...really, truly free.
  • Crazycute coral microfiber laptop tote for, gulp, ten bucks! At Tarjay (for the ladies or the really, um, "flamboyant" men).

Monday, November 12, 2007

Gemachs Gone Mad

Guest-posted by Nice Jewish Guy:

I'm a subscriber to several local community shul mailing lists-- you know, the ones where people post curb alerts, ask for rides, sell used furniture and appliances, and ask for doctor referrals, etc. Last week there was a message posted to the list asking for the number for the iPod gemach.

I nearly had a conniption. An iPod gemach?!

For those of you who don't know what a "Gemach" is, it is basically a free loan organization. People donate their used items, be it clothes, furniture, appliances, wedding gowns, wheelchairs and medical supplies, etc., which can then be borrowed free of charge by those in need and returned when they are finished using them. For example, a young couple of limited means that is getting married, might turn to the gown gemach for the bride's wedding dress, the furniture gemach for a bed their new apartment, until they can afford a new one; a man with an infirm relative visiting for a yom tov may borrow a walker, wheelchair, or hospital bed from a surgical supply gemach for his relative's visit.

But an iPod gemach? What kind of a person uses an iPod gemach? Does someone wake up one day and say, "You know, I really would like an iPod. But I don't want to actually buy one-- I'll just go to a gemach."

What's next? The flatscreen TV gemach? The Nintendo gemach? The Lexus gemach? Some people need to be taken outside and beaten.

Ripples continued

Just a little more clarity on my previous post.

I'm not down on kiruv. I'm not opposed to outreach or trying to interest people in Orthodox Judaism. I'm down on kiruv as a mindless draw into observance without taking into account whom you are being mekarev; I object to kiruv as an industry and kiruv as a feel-good-about -yourself thing. One of the biggest problems with kiruv is that once people become frum, they are often left hanging with half-baked beliefs and misdirected religious zeal. There is not much done about integrating them the rest of the way into the community.

I have a friend who was enrolled in a program at a ba'alas teshuvah yeshiva in Israel. This friend, Sarah, was a Brooklyn FFB, learning in a truncated seminary program that was housed there. One day, she was in a pizza store near the school, eating a piece of chocolate. This particular brand of chocolate was not under Badatz hechsher; it was under Rabbanut hechsher.

A girl from the BT part of the school, Brenda, walked into the pizza store, saw Sarah and started admonishing her for eating the non-Badatz chocolate, which in her eyes, was as good as treif. Sarah explained to her that she had researched the kashrut situation in this part of Israel and had decided that she would eat Rabbanut milchigs but only Badatz fleishigs. Linda told her that it was still baffling to her as to why a supposedly religious girl would eat questionable chocolate.

Sarah was so upset about the encounter, she spoke to one of the Rebbeim at the school, Rabbi Goldberg. Rabbi Goldberg spent the next class (jointly attended by Sarah and Brenda) explaining that while eating Rabbanut chocolate would probably not postpone Mashiach's arrival, publicly admonishing someone about it without any prior understanding of the situation would.

That is kiruv done right.

More on Ripples

I wrote a while back about ripples. Part of my coming to terms with the possibility that I might have be alone as I go through life is coping with the frustration of not being able to really give back to my community.

When I lived out-of-NY, I worked for a secular Jewish organization
for a year or two. I was the sole Orthodox Jew on staff. Needless to say, I was often called upon to be the "Rabbi" when it came to matters of religion. Mostly, I found this role annoying, but secular Jews who live outside of the NY area tend to know very, very little about religious/halachic matters. Since I was the token Ortho, I was also very conscious of my actions, knowing that any normal office pettiness or slacking off on my part would be held up as an example of typical behavior of all Orthodox people. That's just the way those things work. I'm sure I messed up quite a few times.

So while I was married, I wore a sheitel to work every day. I used to spend a ton of money on my wigs, so it was a very good sheitel. Then, the day after I received my get, I uncovered my hair. This was the reaction at work:

"Are you not wearing a wig any more because you are angry at God over the divorce?"

"Are you not wearing a wig anymore because you hate men now?"

"Did your husband force you to wear a wig?"

"Did your Rabbi give you permission to take off the wig?"

You don't realize what ripples you cause by simple little actions. It took me a while to articulate the message that a) I was not angry at God at all, b) I covered my hair when I was married because I believed it was the right and good thing to do, not because my ex forced me, c) if I ever remarried, I intended to re-cover it, d) the heter that I received did not mean that my Rabbi "permitted" me to uncover it (very hard to explain to secular Jews that Rabbis aren't the bosses of Judaism) but rather explained to me why halacha permitted me to uncover it.

Luckily, office gossip flies at the speed of light, so the explanation got around quickly. Not sure how much of it was really understood. The most important thing that I wanted to convey was that uncovering my hair was not an act of defiance.

In small, out-of-NY Jewish communities, one of the hottest products of the observant Jewish world is kiruv. Kiruv is very sexy. In this particular community, there were tons of outreach programs, classes, seminars and, to my great dismay, kiruv professionals. Oy.

I do hold one quasi-heretical belief. I don't think that every Jew was meant to be frum. The frum life requires a level of sacrifice, belief and separation that is really hard to sustain. I think that not everyone was cut out for it. So I take issue with some of the methods that these kiruv professionals employed to bring people back to the fold.

I was never purposefully mekarev anyone. I just don't have the tools to do it in what I think is the proper way. And yet, I do believe in "kiruv by example." Just as what is wrong with Orthodox Judaism is really Jews behaving badly, what will make Orthodox Judaism shine and grow is Jews behaving well.

I don't save birthday cards or those sorts of things. But I have a goodbye card that a friend of mine gave me right before I moved back to NY. This friend is not the mushy, fluffy emotional type....she's a straight shooter and a bright woman. The card she gave to me is something I treasure. Here's an excerpt of what is written on it:

Your knowledge and love for Judaism have taught me so much. You have educated me by example on how to live a Jewish life. You are my gold standard for Jewish living.

I tear up a little when I read that, because even though the author of the card gave me way too much credit, I find it incredible that perhaps I was able to introduce someone else to the truthfulness of a God-centered life. It gives me some comfort that in my barren, painful, mostly wasted last few years, maybe I did a little good in this world. Or at least, that's what I like to tell myself. Sorry, there's that obnoxious self-pity again.

Maybe these ripples are what I will ultimately end up contributing to the klal. Because in my current situation, there sure isn't much else that I can give.